Euphemisms
by Nymbis
Summary: Short stories about Sai, Sakura, and their strange attempts at bonding. Eleven: Sai throws a jealous rampage, or at least he thinks he does.
1. Forehead

_Euphemisms _

**Summary: **Drabbles about Sai, Sakura, and their strange attempts at bonding. One: Sakura refuses to believe that Sai's new picture is drawn to scale.

**AN: **I get ideas for short scenes between Sai and Sakura, so I figured I'd just make a drabble collection : ). Updates are going to be kind of sporadic, I'm sorry.

**One**

Sakura slowly swallowed a lump in her throat as she stared down at the picture that was quickly becoming crumpled in her grasp. Her eyes were trained on the figures drawn on the paper, but more importantly, on one aspect in particular.

One very, very, very, _large _aspect.

"Isn't it great, Sakura-chan?" Naruto beamed happily over her shoulder as he pointed down at the illustration, "Sai's not being a complete ass anymore."

Her grip tightened, tiny holes were being perforated by her fingertips.

"Naruto," She asked, her voice strained, "Don't you think his portraits are a little…off?"

"Ne? What do you mean, Sakura-chan?" Naruto asked dumbly, scrutinizing the picture more closely.

The pink haired kunoichi was sure the sound of her teeth grinding together could be heard from miles away, "Don't you think that there's certain _qualities _about certain _people _that have been slightly _exaggerated?_"

Naruto shrugged, and Sakura almost wanted to hit herself for believing that Naruto could understand subtlety. "Everyone looks alright to me. See, there's you, Kakashi-sensei, Sai, me, and Yamato."

Her knuckles were cracking and the paper was tearing, "Naruto you idiot, look at it!" She seethed, shaking the paper directly in his face.

He blinked, and suddenly understanding appeared on his face, "Well, I suppose your forehead is a little larger than normal-"

"A _little_?! It's taking up the entire page!" She yelled, reservations and proper indoor voices be damned.

"I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it-" Naruto said, trying more to quell the bloodlust that had acquired in Sakura's eyes than defend the artist nin.

"It's the platform everyone else is standing on!"

"It's a _small _platform-"

Naruto's appeasement was cut short when the sudden 'poof!' of a materializing nin was heard, and he slowly turned around to see Sai standing in front of them.

"Hello Naruto-kun, Hag," He greeted cordially, fake smile slapped on his face, and completely oblivious to the rather frantic motion Naruto was making with his finger going across his neck.

"Sai?" Came Sakura, her voice dark and foreboding.

"Yes, Ugly?" Sai said, still pleasantly smiling.

The picture was crumpled entirely with one quick fist clench, "You and I are going to have a long, serious talk about artistic license." Of course, when she said 'talk', it was apparent that she meant 'vicious beat down'.

Sai's smile slipped slightly.


	2. Flirt

**AN: **Thank you for all of the reviews and alerts! This one got kind of long, sorry!

**Two: **Sai shows some (more) skin

"Damn it," Sakura murmured as her fingers rifled through her small change purse, a plummeting sensation occurring in her stomach when she realized it was a lot emptier than she had expected.

"What is it, Ugly?" Sai asked distractedly as his eyes surveyed all of the kunai that were displayed on the weapons stand.

"I don't have enough," she responded dejectedly, her eyes darting from the weapon sets on the sale counter back to the sparse coins. A wave of foolishness hit her when she realized that out of all of her enemies, it was commercialism that she had underestimated the most.

Earlier that morning, Sakura had noticed her supply of senbon, shuriken, and kunai were beginning the dwindle, and like any responsible kunoichi, she decided to take advantage of her day off to restock. On her way towards the weapon's merchant she had run across Sai, who, after a few salutatory insults, had taken it upon himself to follow her around.

Sakura absently gnawed on her lower lip and gazed at Sai, "You wouldn't happen to have any money I could borrow?" she questioned, swallowing down her pride.

Sai stared at her in confusion, and silence seemed to stretch on forever.

She fought down the frustration that was beginning to overcome her, "Money? Do you have any I could use _now_, that I will pay you back for _later_?"

Sai blinked, and then snorted, "I know what borrowing is, Hag."

She could feel the vein beginning to pulse in her temple, "Typical," she muttered, her gaze drifting towards the merchant who was beginning to get very irritated indeed.

The merchant was an unpleasant looking fellow, his teeth yellow, skin oily, and a huge beer belly protruded out from his too-small vest. Sakura sighed, and began to slowly weigh her options. She _needed _those weapons, it could be a matter of life or death, and judging by the way the man was staring at her legs…

The kunoichi exhaled between her teeth, Ino-pig was a horrible influence on her.

Placing full eyelash-battering action on, Sakura leaned forward over the weapons, hoping that her vest's zipper was pulled down low enough for the merchant to get a decent view of her, sadly, barely-there cleavage.

"Are you _sure _you're not willing to haggle?" Sakura inquired, seductive pout in effect.

The man stared at her in confusion, before his lips pursed, obviously seeing through her pathetic attempt at flirting her way out of a bill, "All prices are final."

Sai watched this interaction with a calculating aspect in his eyes.

A determined look crossed over her face, she wasn't backing down anytime soon, "_Please_? I've been having a hard time getting missions and it's _dangerous _out there for a _young, single girl _like me without weapons."

The man's gaze went back to her legs, and the moment's hesitation was obvious, before he shook his head, "Sorry, but if I gave every pretty kunoichi discounts, I'd be out of business."

Sakura noticeably deflated, realizing that this wasn't going to work. She let out a dejected mumble before she turned and began to walk away from the stand. She was stopped by a hand clasped on her forearm, and Sakura let out a startled gasp of surprise before she discovered it was Sai's.

"What were you doing?" Sai asked his teammate, curiosity apparent by his tone.

Sakura felt herself color slightly, "Oh, nothing."

Sai continued to stare at her, obviously expecting an answer.

She groaned, "I was trying to flirt with the guy."

Sai blinked, "Flirt?"

The medic nin paused, trying to find a suitable way to explain the situation to Sai without much embarrassment on her part, "It's where you…pretend to like someone so they'll do something nice for you."

The artist contemplated this for a moment, before nodding, "I see."

Sakura shrugged, "It's not a big deal, I'll go shop around some more," she said off-handedly, turning around and starting to walk down Konoha's shopping district.

After a few seconds, she turned back around and noticed that Sai had vanished. Somewhat concerned, she searched the crowd for his face and felt her jaw drop when her eyes finally landed on him.

He was back at that weapons stand.

Even worse, his posture was mimicking Sakura's earlier one, as he leaned over the counter with his hand propping up his chin. She blanched in absolute horror when she realized that Sai was pulling down the zipper for his already barely-decent-for-the-public shirt, exposing his chest as the merchant's eyes pretty much bugged out of his skull.

Too mortified to move, Sakura continued to numbly observe the debacle. Sai whispered something to the man, his pout identical to Sakura's earlier one. The man tossed three packs of weapons at Sai's chest as if they were engulfed in flames, and quickly made shooing motions with his pudgy hands.

Sai gave his fake smile to the man, then turned around and jogged over to where Sakura stood traumatized. "Here Hag!" He said, smiling as he dropped the gear over Sakura's shoulders.

Sakura blinked slowly, still trying to process what had just occurred as she shifted the weapons' weight, "What…" She trailed off, and then instantly realized that she most certainly did _not _want to know what Sai said to that man, "Never mind."

"You were right for once, Ugly, the man was very considerate after I 'flirted'." He said, eyes still creased from his constant grin.

Sakura's eyes went to Sai, then passed him to the stand. The merchant appeared thoroughly distressed. She stared at Sai again, and debated whether or not she should elaborate her explanation of flirting. Finally, she settled against it. There were some things Sai was just better off not knowing for now.

"Um…thanks Sai," she ventured.

Sai was silent for a few moments, "Does this mean that I am better at flirting than you?" He paused, stroking his chin, "Perhaps it was your hideousness that was off-putting?"

Sakura felt her jaw clench, and vowed that the new weapons would soon be put to good use.


	3. Flowers

_Euphemisms_

**AN: **Thank you all for reading and reviewing! This one got a little fluffy at the end, I hope that's okay.

**Note**: _Ikebana_ is the art of flower arranging.

**Three: **Sai is allergic to flowers. Sakura might just be allergic to Sai.

Sakura's hands gingerly wafted through the flowers that she had set across the table, a dazed look clouding over her eyes as a nostalgic sigh came through her lips. Hesitatingly, she inhaled the sweet aromas, her eyelids fluttered shut as her mind slowly traveled back through old memories of a simpler time.

"Your current facial expression makes you appear constipated," came cold, callous reality in the form of Sai as he addressed her.

Her eyebrows furrowed, and she glared at her companion, who was looking rather pleased with himself. Then again, Sai always looked rather pleased with himself. It was sort of a default expression.

And she, as one of the more clever kunoichi in the village, responded with intelligent flair, "Shut up Sai."

He said nothing, but his gaze landed on the flowers that Sakura was beginning to organize, "Ikebana? I would have thought that you were too manly for such a hobby-"

A flower was jammed in his mouth. With gusto.

Sai quickly spit it out, a look of confused dislike on his face as he held the flower between his fingers. "What is this one? It tastes displeasing."

Sakura rolled her eyes, "That would be the point," she murmured under her breath, "It's a cosmos." She said a bit louder, "They're for Ino while she's in the hospital recovering from her mission."

"Ah, the one that is less ugly than you!" Sai said in recognition of the name, sniffling a bit as his eyes watered.

One of the flower stems in Sakura's hands snapped off as she jammed it into the vase with a little more force than flora was accustomed to dealing with. "Ino-pig is _not _less ugly…" She grumbled.

Sai sneezed then, eyes scrunched together as he set the cosmos down. He picked up another flower instead, "What is this one?"

Sakura felt herself go slack jaw for a moment when she recognized it. Plain, nondescript, and easily ignored. The edges of a few of its petals were drying out, making it look brittle.

"That's a fujibakama, a purple trousers." She whispered softly as she stared at the vase, occupying herself with something other than her teammate's innocent questions.

"It's not as nice looking as the other ones," Sai said, "Why do you want to use it?"

Sakura's diligent hands finished the main design, the cosmos that had previously been in Sai's mouth now serving as the center of the piece. Without looking at her companion, she plucked the fujibakama from his grasp and set it to the side, "It's supposed to accentuate the main flower." She said, gesturing with a pointed finger.

Sai appeared to evaluate the flower piece, a finger rubbing his chin in contemplation. After a moment, he quickly leaned over Sakura, adjusting her carefully completed arrangement.

"Sai what are you doing?" Sakura proclaimed in protest, as ikebana was not something she excelled at and it took her a considerable amount of effort to make the flowers look presentable for Ino.

He leaned back, "It's better now, Hag. I didn't think your ugliness extended into your taste in art."

Sakura stared at the new piece, where the purple trousers were now the centerfold, the cosmos slightly off to the side. "Sai, it's not supposed to go like that-" she admonished, reaching over to adjust it back to its original position.

She was stopped by a hand around her wrist, "I like the fujibakama better," Sai said plainly.

Sakura scoffed, "Oh yeah, why's that?"

Sai smiled, "Simple. The purple trousers don't make me sneeze."


	4. Finger Paint

_Euphemisms_

**AN: **This one's long, sorry!

**Four: **Sai should never be allowed around children. Ever.

"Haruno-san, I need green!" Cried a little girl that was sitting across from her, holding up her paper in order to fully demonstrate the absolute need for green to complete the masterpiece.

Sakura sighed inwardly, but smiled at the girl, "Jin, you have green." She explained calmly, pointing at the small paint container located by the girl's elbow.

The girl, Jin, made a face, "But Kenji used it!" She pouted, gesturing towards the boy sitting next to her.

Kenji scowled at his sister, "Well you used my red!"

"I needed it to show the guy's heart exploding!" Protested Jin haughtily, shaking her finger painting. It depicted a ninja with a kunai lodged in the chest.

Sakura watched the girl with a weary eye. _Better watch out for that one in the future…_

The medic nin's shift at the hospital had concluded earlier than she had expected, and since Sakura had a bit of excess time on her hands, she had decided to spend it at the hospital's daycare center. Currently, she was finger painting with the twins that were there while their mother, a nurse, was working.

"Haruno-san, can't I just use your finger paint?" Sulked Jin, puppy dog eyes in effect, "Please?"

Sakura just shook her head, using the back of her hand to slide the small pot across the table. Her own fingers were coated in yellow and blue. She cringed as she looked down at her own picture, noticing sadly that it wasn't much better than the six year olds'.

She was surprised when she heard the door to the daycare room suddenly open, and she turned in her seat, suppressing a groan when she realized who it was.

"Hello Hag," greeted Sai cheerfully, "Hanging around people with the same mental capacity as yourself?"

She rolled her eyes, "What is it Sai?"

"You are late," he offered simply.

She blinked, looking at the clock that hung on the wall, "Late for what?"

"Naruto-kun invited us for ramen, and since you made a social promise, that means that you are required to attend," Sai simplified for her.

She swore under her breath as the memory returned, and she sighed softly, looking at the twins, "I have to go, but I'll be back tomorrow." She said contritely.

"But Haruno-san, you haven't even seen our pictures yet!" Whined Jin, who now had several green spots across her face.

Sakura was about to apologize, but it was cut short when Kenji stood up and went over to Sai, tugging on his pant leg.

"Do you like my picture?" He asked him, lifting up the paper.

Sai stared at him in confusion, before his fingers grabbed the painting from Kenji, lifting it up. As Sakura saw his critical examination, she felt something sink in her stomach. _Oh no._

"It's poor quality," Sai said, turning it to the side, "Your lines are uneven and the coloring is sloppy. I'm not sure whether you're trying to draw a house or some sort of aquatic creature."

Kenji's eyes went positively round and watery, "It's a kitten!" He cried.

Sakura paled, "Sai!"

He ignored her, and stared at Kenji in bemusement, "Are kittens normally green with six legs on the left side?"

The little boy stood up on his tiptoes and violently snatched the paper away, retreating to the table and sitting with his head down, sniffling occasionally. Jin, however, seemed to think that this strange new man was immensely entertaining.

She stood up, raising her hand, "Look at mine, weird guy!"

Sai smiled and stared at the drawing, "The body of the ninja is disproportioned, and when you stab a man in the heart, the blood spray is a considerably lighter color-"

"Sai!" Sakura tried again as she tried desperately to console Kenji by telling him that it was a _lovely _green, six-legged cat.

"It also seems that your male ninja is lacking a penis," Sai finished up, handing Jin back her painting.

"SAI!" Sakura's patience had severely dwindled, "What are you doing?"

Sai blinked, "Did I say something wrong?"

She stood up, multi-toned hands fisted on either side of her hip as she gestured to Kenji, "You can't tell children that!"

He continued to stare at her in confusion, "Why not?"

"Because it hurts their feelings!"

Sai looked at Kenji, then to Jin, and back to Sakura, "But they asked me my opinion. According to my books, it's wrong to lie-"

"It's okay to lie to kids!" Sakura blurted without thinking, then immediately groaned.

"Why?" Sai asked, trying to process this new information.

She took a deep breath, "It's alright to lie to kids about stuff like this," she amended, gesturing to Kenji's deformed painting, "Because their abilities aren't developed fully yet."

Sai then noticed that Sakura also had a painting, "Then would it be alright for me to tell you that I think your waterfall is the most inaccurate depiction I have ever seen?"

Kenji, who had been trying not to cry, looked up at Sakura then, his sniffling receding.

"No!" She said.

"Why? Are you not old now?"

Sakura rubbed circles around her temples, little streaks of blue being left behind, "It's still insensitive-"

"But your painting is simplistic," He said levelly.

Kenji wiped his eyes and started to giggle, Jin picked up on it and started to laugh too.

Sakura silently counted to ten, realizing that the kids were starting to brighten up at her expense. She exhaled, "Sai, why don't I just meet you and Naruto at the ramen stand?" She asked with a forced amount of brevity.

Sai smiled, "Alright, goodbye Ugly!" He said, as if the entire bizarre exchange hadn't occurred, swerving on his heel and disappearing through the doorway.

A bit frazzled, Sakura slumped into her seat, eying the 'most inaccurate depiction' that she had painted. Kenji poked her in the arm.

"Haruno-san?"

"What is it, Kenji?"

"That's a mean man." He paused, "But he's funny, because he called you Ugly."

Sakura felt her lips purse in mock annoyance, "Well, thanks Kenji."

"Haruno-san?" This time it was from Jin.

"Yes, Jin?"

"What's a penis?"


	5. Finesse

**AN: **Thanks to all the (wonderfully patient) readers and reviewers! I'm not overly happy with this one, since it was awkward to write, but if nothing else it will make the next update easier.

**Five: **Sakura was going to kill whoever thought Sai would be excellent for a diplomatic mission

"Has your mind always performed so poorly?" Came the flat, inquisitive voice to Sakura's left followed immediately by a spray of tea across from her, which was recently spurted out of a daimyo's mouth.

She paled, and sent an elbow into her partner's side harshly, "Sai!" She gasped in horror at the shinobi who had just insulted the main financial backer of Konoha, "Apologize to Matsumoto-sama right now!"

Sai turned and blinked a few times, before thankfully nodding and lowering his head in respect. "My apologies, Matsumoto-sama, for drawing attention to your faulty mind."

Sakura's own etiquette was thrown to the wind as her jaw dropped in sheer awe. She had expected that something like this would happen- what was Tsunade-shishou _thinking_, sending him on a diplomatic mission?!- but Sai had single handedly destroyed the peaceful relationship between Konoha and the lord of the fire country with _one sentence._

Matsumoto Junichi was the current ruler of the fire country, and as such, the shinobi village's most important client. Sakura had been ordered to go for a routine meeting on next year's financing. Tsunade had acquired an odd glint in her eye when she suggested that Sai come along. Sakura was a bit wary of this at first, having been on the receiving end of Sai's unintentional rudeness before, but for the majority of the meeting he had remained a silent observer. Until, that is, Matsumoto had mentioned cutting several academy training programs from the budget, then Sai had decided to finally contribute to the conversation.

"What did you say to me?" Puffed the daimyo in righteous indignation, fat cheeks expanding with hot air now that the tea he had been sipping daintily was gone from them.

Even though his eyebrows were furrowed, his smile remained, "I'm sorry, I did not realize that you suffer from a hearing impairment as well as stupidity," he turned towards Sakura, "Perhaps you should address him, Hag? You always are unbearably loud."

"Shut up Sai!" She yelped.

Sai grinned, "See? Surely you can hear her despite your several mental deficiencies?"

Matsumoto's nostrils flared, "Never, in all my years-"

"-which must be substantial, considering how old you are now." Sai agreed, nodding sagely.

The lord halted his tirade, making some sort of odd strangled noise, "How _dare _you-!"

Sakura noticed a few of the lord's body guards were fighting back smiles, and she cleared her throat, "Matsumoto-sama, please forgive Sai, he's, um," she honestly couldn't come up with an excuse for Sai being Sai.

Matsumoto's glare then zeroed in on Sakura, "I never would have suspected that anyone, let alone a _Hokage's prized apprentice, _would lack the common knowledge of civil courtesy-"

"You just spit tea out of your mouth," Sai observed mildly, with the detached manner of someone relying solely on book learning and completely lacking in the common sense department, "According to most customs, that is seen as a breach of civil courtesy-"

"Sai. Not. Helping." Sakura growled between clenched teeth.

The lord's face quickly looked like a puckered lemon, "I could have you killed for such impudence."

Sai plastered on his fake smile, "That would not be the best solution, as it would cost more money for my replacement's training and you seem horribly…" He paused, obviously toying with a few words in his mind, before turning to Sakura, "Is the word tramp-like?"

Matsumoto appeared to be turning purple with repressed rage, and Sakura bashed her palm against her face.

"Cheap, Sai. The word is cheap." She was too mortified to respond with anything other than a correction. She had doomed the village. Correction, _Sai _had doomed the village.

The artist shinobi seemed deep in contemplation, "However, if the Academy was given more funding, then your decision to kill me would be less moronic, since training regiments would be easier to come by."

His nostrils flailed, "Get this utter waste of a shinobi out of my sight!" He demanded to two of his security guards, before rounding on Sakura again, "And you can tell your _beloved _shishou that I will undoubtedly be increasing training with an emphasis on diplomatic customs," there were tiny droplets of saliva hanging from his jowls as he yelled, and for a moment he eerily resembled Pakkun, "Under no circumstances am I allowing this _travesty,_" At the statement an angry thumb was pointed at a totally oblivious Sai, "of the shinobi nations to occur again!"

Sakura stood up quickly to bow in apology, but she was gripped on both biceps rather tightly by some very large security guards. Somewhere between being forcibly removed from the meeting room and watching Matsumoto froth like a pit bull eating shampoo, Sakura realized that the daimyo had demanded _more _training, not cutbacks, as a result of Sai's horrible behavior.

She stared wide-eyed at the artist nin, who was calmly smiling while being dragged out by two even larger men, and quickly drew a conclusion.

"Tsunade-shisou is a _genius._"


	6. Festival

**AN: **Oh my stars and garters, you readers and reviewers are absolutely freaking amazing. Thank you! Here's something extra long and a bit ambiguously romantic for you ; )

**Note: **Tanabata is a Japanese festival that is based on the story of two lover stars that could only meet on one night of the year. Currently, it is commonly associated as a holiday for couples, and people write down their wishes on pieces of paper and hang them outside of their doorways.

**Six: **On the most romantic night of the year, Sakura experiences what could only be the worst date ever.

Sakura fidgeted with the sleeve of her light kimono for about the thousandth time that evening as she stared at her supposed date out of the corner of her eye. Well, not really a date so much as the only teammate left after Naruto had practically tackled the poor food vendors and Kakashi-sensei had practically tackled the poor porn vendors.

She sighed and lowered her head. It was Tanabata, the most romantic festival of the year, and she was stuck with Sai of all people.

"That outfit makes you appear wider than usual," Sai said conversationally while chewing on some dango happily. He himself stuck out like a sore thumb as he was the only one at the festival to forgo civilian clothes in favor of his shinobi gear.

Her head lowered even more at the comment, if that were at all possible, and her eyes surveyed the crowd, noticing that almost _everyone _had dates that night. A boisterous Ino was half-dragging a terrified looking Choji, and a nervous looking Hinata was blushing while walking besides Shino. And, oh hell, was that _Konohamaru _with a date too?!

She felt a pang of sadness as she stared at her feet, all of her colleagues were out dating, having fun, and she was alone…with Sai.

"I would offer you one of these, but I know that you don't want to get fatter," he said, smiling as he ate another dango ball. He paused, noticing her lack of a response, "What's wrong, Hag? Your screeching isn't assaulting my ears nearly as bad today."

She groaned and crossed her arms over her chest, her sadness temporarily discarded to be replaced with annoyance at the artist, "I do _not _screech."

Growing uninterested with Sakura's lack of response, Sai sore-thumb status wasn't helped when he began to make remarks about passing couples. His eyes widened as he observed a girl and a boy who were obviously sharing an intimate, romantic moment in the distance. He gripped Sakura around the bicep and began to drag her towards the kissing couple.

"Sai? What the hell are you doing?" She demanded as she awkwardly tried to regain her footing with the kimono.

"It's apparent that the boy needs to be resuscitated," he said rather loudly. The pair stopped their lip-locking to stare at Sai and Sakura.

Sakura flushed tomato red, "Sai, you moron, they're…" her voice dropped, "_kissing._"

Sai blinked, "But she was sloppily drooling all over him. Was she not attempting CPR?"

The girl blushed in shame at having her PDA critiqued and immediately turned to her boyfriend, who lead her away in a huff. "Jerk!" The girl accused before they were out of sight.

"Sai, you can't insult people like that!" Sakura said, a bit mortified as the retreating couple kept sending glares over their shoulders.

"Why not?"

"It's rude! They were," she colored a bit, "having a moment-"

Sai stared at her in confusion, "Why were they kissing?"

"Because they're on a date," she explained with exasperation, searching the crowd for Ino, or Naruto, or anyone to spare her from a public outing with Sai. The two were good friends, and better teammates, but she just couldn't handle being permanently single _and _being permanently single with Sai on the most romantic night of the year.

"A date?" Sai inquired, following Sakura around as she began to walk passed the vendors.

Sakura's lips pursed, "Sai, you have to know what a date is." Despite her previous intentions of finding a friend in the crowd, she slowed her step and turned to Sai in curiosity.

Sai paused for a moment, deep in contemplation, before trying out a shrug.

Sakura exhaled calmly, "It's when two people go out and do something together because they like each other."

Sai almost looked a bit relieved, "Oh! I understand, Ugly."

She flinched a bit at the nickname but offered a weak smile, "That's good, Sai."

The two were walking forward, side by side, and Sakura sighed, starting to feel a bit guilty. It wasn't Sai's fault that he was socially tactless to the point of embarrassment, and it wasn't really fair of Sakura to try and shoulder him on someone else. They _were _friends, after all, and perhaps this could be a learning experience for Sai-

Her train of thought was immediately derailed when she noticed that Sai had turned on his heel to come directly in front of Sakura. Worse, he appeared to be swishing spit back and forth between his cheeks and puckering his lips while lowering his head.

Sakura did her first instinctive reaction.

She shoved him away from her quickly, "Sai! What are you _doing_?!"

Sai gave his fake smile, "I was preparing to kiss you because we are on a date. Apparently it requires a lot of saliva to make it work-"

Sakura faltered in her step so abruptly that she almost toppled forward. Stupid kimonos. "No! No we are not on a date!" She said quickly.

Sai seemed befuddled, "But you said-"

"We're out together as _friends_, Sai, it's _different,_" she said, her cheeks turning a color far deeper than her hair as she waved her hands back and forth quickly.

"Why?"

"It just is! Friends don't," she flushed again, "friends don't kiss each other."

"Why not?"

She grit her teeth, damn the boy and his bluntly simplistic approach to life. "Because only people who _like _like each other-" she severed the explanation quickly. What the hell? _Like _like? What was she, an Academy student again? "You only kiss someone if you have _romantic _feelings for them," she tried again, staring intently at Sai and mentally willing him to understand.

He paused, before nodding, "So we would only kiss if I found you remotely attractive?"

Her jaw ticked, "Something like that."

Sai's punch to the head was spared when the voice of a nearby vendor echoed across the pathway.

"Hey there, young man in the belly shirt, want to buy some shaved ice for you and your date?" He called, waving cups about in the air, trying to get them to go over there and purchase his product.

Sai smiled and waved, "Oh no, this is not my date. This is my unattractive friend only." He corrected with a sort of well-practiced kindness.

The man sent Sai a bewildered stare, "What do you mean?"

Sai opened his mouth to reply, but he was interrupted by the sound of a woman openly mocked in public.

A low growl was being emitted from Sakura's throat, and she walked over to the confused vendor with a sort of forced patience. Slapping on a sweet smile she looked up at him, "I'll take one, please."

The vendor looked at her, then to Sai, before guardedly asking, "What flavor?"

Sakura pursed her lips, "Which one's the stickiest?

The man shrugged, "Strawberry?"

"That one."

Approximately three seconds later, Sai was sporting a strawberry shaved ice on the top of his head.

---

The sound of papers flying through the air was the only noise that happened between the two as Sakura sent Sai nervous glances out of the corner of her eye. The pair were once again walking down random side streets- correction, Sakura had stormed off in a huff down a side street, and a clueless Sai had decided to follow her. She looked over her shoulder, and sure enough, he was still there, hair a bit more plastered down than normal of course.

"Why are you following me, Sai?" She asked at last, her ire not completely dissolving yet.

He stared at her flatly, "Is there a reason I shouldn't be?"

Sakura scowled, "I just dumped flavored ice on your head."

Sai smiled, "Compared to your manly punches it was preferable."

She sighed slightly, and despite herself she felt her feet stop moving underneath her as she allowed her pace to match Sai's. It was impossible to stay mad at Sai, the artist shinobi was just so perfectly clueless that it almost inspired a sense of pity in her. Of course, it was _easy _to _get _mad at Sai, as evidenced by the fruit smell drifting off of him.

The shops along the street were lined with papers that seemed to drift over the two's heads and Sakura smiled slightly at the sight of them. If looking closely, she could barely make out the characters of wishes that had been meticulously written down on them.

"Why are there papers hanging down?" Sai inquired as he followed Sakura's gaze.

"It's tradition," she said absently, "On Tanabata everyone writes down their wishes."

Sai's mouth pressed together slightly, "Why? Do they forget them?"

Sakura rolled her eyes, "It doesn't work like that. It's just for fun. They say that Tanabata's the one night where they can come true." She felt slightly silly for explaining a children's story to a relatively grown man. Sai remained silent, his dark eyes staring thoughtfully. Sakura shifted her weight from foot to foot before exhaling slowly, "Well, I think I'm going to head home Sai, I've got an early shift tomorrow-"

"Let's write down our wishes." He said with finality, his normally emotionless eyes sparked with a bit of curiosity.

Sakura tilted her head, "What?"

"I want to write down my wish." He said pulling out some paper and ink from a holster.

Sakura stared at him in confusion, "What for?"

Sai beamed at her as he pulled out a brush, "I want to experiment with it. If my wish is successful, many people will be pleased."

She eyed him skeptically, but he only handed her some paper too. "You can wish to be less wider in that outfit." He grinned.

Her fingers flexed, but instead of socking him like her Sai-instincts commanded her to, she channeled her frustration onto the brush in her hand as she carefully placed ink strokes along the paper. After a few moments, both she and Sai appeared to be finished, and she reached up to a piece of hanging string, preparing the fasten her own wish to it. Sai evaluated the process, then repeated it.

The silence seemed to stretch for a long time as Sai stared unyieldingly at Sakura, obviously waiting for the next step to the wish making process. Sakura squirmed a bit uncomfortably under his almost clinical scrutiny.

"That's it." She said unnecessarily.

Sai blinked, "Are you certain?"

"Yes."

"It didn't work." He said, a smile still on his face.

"Well, what did you wish for, Sai?" She asked somewhat nervously after a few moments passed, feeling like there should be at least some part of the night that could pass for a vague normalcy.

Sai continued to smile as he carefully flipped over the piece of hanging paper, and written in a neat tidy script were the following words:

_Make the Hag easier to look at._

Naturally, he was expecting a punch for the cheeky statement, but after a few seconds of no response, he hesitantly cracked open his eye to look at his teammate.

Sakura smiled, and he was instantly on edge because Sakura's smiles never held a good turn out for him. But instead of breaking his jaw, Sai was surprised to see her carefully turning over her own wish, angling up the paper for him to see.

"Funny," she said with a false sugary tone while smirking, "mine was along the same lines."

Sai felt his eyes widen when he saw that on the paper, Sakura had carefully printed down the following wish:

_Cover up that flabby stomach._

Sakura smirked when she saw Sai's eyes widen almost simultaneously as a hand drifted over his exposed abdomen. It felt good to get even once in a while.


	7. Fatigue

**AN: **First off, thank you for all of the amazing feedback! The response to this little collection is wonderful and it makes me all happy inside! Secondly, I've been thinking about accepting prompts for this, would anyone have any to give lol?

**Edit: **Thanks to _inuyasha x0 _for catching my spelling mistake!

**Seven: **Sakura is the grouchiest damsel in distress ever.

Sakura shook her head violently side to side as she quickly blinked away the sleep that was starting to creep up on her. Her sandaled feet were moving on autopilot as they hopped from branch to branch and she felt her shoulders slumping lazily from the weight of her pack. Her chakra reserves were low due to the B ranked mission that she and the other members of Team Kakashi had just completed.

Sakura, Naruto, Sai, and Yamato-sempai had been assigned as a relief squad for a group of chuunin on border patrol who had been involved in a hardly dangerous but incredibly large-scale scuffle with some rogues. They were all exhausted, Sakura especially as she had to heal the wounded chuunin on top of fending off the bandits. It didn't help that the night prior she had been called in to the hospital to assist Shizune-san in surgery. Even Naruto, the most vivacious shinobi Sakura had ever met apart from Gai-san and Lee-san, was fighting down yawns from his place a few yards away.

Sakura felt her head slump down again as her neck muscles apparently decided to call it quits on her. She groaned, lightly slapping her cheek in an effort to keep herself awake.

"Don't make that situation worse than it already is," came the ridiculously refreshed voice of the person traveling next to Sakura, referring to her hitting her face.

Sakura, too tired to attempt that whole clear communication thing, settled for something that sounded like "Mgarfum" but was meant to come out as "Not now, Sai."

Out of the entire four man squad, only Sai seemed wide awake and clear-headed, something that made Sakura's tolerance for him irrationally low.

"You're looking more haggard than usual this morning," he said happily.

She remained silent, her lips pressing together tightly as she mentally willed him to silence.

Sai watched her out of his peripheral vision as they continued traveling back towards Konoha, a small furrow of thought visible in his eyebrows.

Sakura felt her head slide forward again. Luckily for her, this time a branch was in the way of her head's descent. Hard physical contact with one's skull was a quick remedy to sleepy, clouded-over thoughts, and Sakura let out an impressive string of swears as she hissed in pain.

"That appears to have hurt," Sai said blithely, smile fixed in place.

Sakura sent him a glare that would have frightened even Orochimaru. Sai was wonderfully oblivious to it.

With a large, red lump on her already larger than normal forehead, Sakura trudged on, struggling to retain consciousness. Needless to say, she was more than surprised to see Sai suddenly in her direct field of vision. She flinched and quickly halted her step, shoving Sai for good measure.

"What the hell is your problem?!" she growled, pleasantries a moot point when she was this tired.

Sai said nothing, only continued to smile, and before Sakura realized what was going on, she felt herself being lifted up and hauled over Sai's shoulder like a sack of rice.

Now more awake than ever, Sakura squirmed, "Sai! Put me down!" She snarled, her face beet red.

Sai ignored her protests, and began to follow Naruto and Yamato, both of whom were very far ahead.

"Gorgeous-san told me that females require sleep to acquire beauty. It is very apparent that you haven't been getting enough of either," he explained helpfully.

She seethed, sending the toe of her sandal into his exposed midsection. Even with chakra depletion, the woman-scorned factor still gave the kick enough force to make Sai lose his breath and stumble.

"Put. Me. Down." She commanded with gritted teeth.

"I'm afraid that it is difficult for me to hear when I am trying to catch my breath," he said flatly, pressing forward.

After about ten more minutes of fruitless struggling, Sakura huffed and allowed herself to go limp. Despite the ride being uncomfortable and the fact that Naruto would be getting a _very _nice view of her once they caught up, the exhaustion from the night prior was beginning to catch up with her. She felt her eyelids become heavy and her head drooping downwards and a tiny, nagging thought that perhaps Sai wasn't all that bad entered her mind before she surrendered to blissful slumber-

"You're incredibly heavy, Hag."

She frowned, "Shut up Sai."

"It's as if I were carrying two, possibly three people-"

"Shut _up _Sai!"

As soon as her chakra reserves were returned, Sai was going to seriously regret being nice to her.


	8. Fall

_Euphemisms_

**AN: **Why hello there ::starts backing away carefully:: Um, I'm sorry that this has taken so long…I saw this kitten on the side of the road and er…

I'm working on the prompts : ) I've got about three halfway written, and a Sai x Sakura oneshot halfway done too : ). This is just a little teaser I suppose. Not answering any prompts, and not very long, but just something that popped into my head to hopefully jar writer's block.

**Eight: Fall**

"And what's the most important part of success as a shinobi?" Iruka's voice questioned over the tops of many students' heads.

"Kunai!" Rang out a little girl in front.

"Not quite," Iruka corrected gently.

"Speed," volunteered a gangly boy towards the back.

"Good guess," their instructor said with a smile.

"Listening to orders?" Guessed another girl.

"That's very important too, but not the most important."

"Sexy-no-jutsu!"

Iruka's head snapped up with full attention to that one, and he stared at a girl that was sitting up front, "What did you say Azami?" He asked in bewilderment.

"Sexy-no-jutsu? Konohamaru says that it's the most important jutsu, but I don't know how it works. Could you show us Iruka-sensei, I'm sure you know how-"

"Teamwork!" Iruka cut off with enthusiasm, "Teamwork is the most vital part of being a shinobi. For many missions, the Hokage sends out a squad of three to four people, and you need to be able to trust your teammates with your life."

Several of the children eyed each other warily. It appeared that they were far from impressed with their peers. Many small hands shot up into the air, and Iruka cleared his throat.

"Yes, Ryuu?"

The boy had a shifty look on his face, and he lowered his voice to a whisper, "But Iruka-sensei…what if the other shinobi are _mean_? Or _bad?_"

The other hands that were in the air fell down, as their owner's heads bobbed along in agreement.

Iruka frowned, "You'll find that when working with other shinobi, it doesn't matter how mean they are. You have to trust our Hokage to make the right decision about who gets assigned what mission. They put a lot of thought into who goes on a team with who, so everyone should be able to do their job well."

Ryuu's nose wrinkled, but his shiftiness abated.

Iruka's frown fell away, "Good! Well, today we're going to work on teamwork building exercises-"

The class groaned.

"-and I've even asked some chuunin to come in to demonstrate a few." Iruka finished off smoothly.

The groans were replaced with excited whispers. _Real _chuunin? It was almost as cool as the time the Aburame clan member brought in those flesh-eating bugs!

"Now, they should be here any moment-" Iruka found himself being cut off yet again as two pairs of voices echoed in the hallway outside of his classroom.

"This is all your fault Sai!" Came an angry female voice.

"I don't understand," replied a placid male.

"You had to make that comment, and now Yamato-senpai is making us do this demonstration-"

"I believe it was your punching Yamato-senpai that made Yamato-senpai insist on us doing teamwork exercises-"

"_Well _I was aiming for _you!_"

"If you could please halt your incessant shrieking, Hag, you appear to be frightening the children."

An angry hissing sound was heard, and the students in Iruka's class were looking a little less excited about having chuunin in the classroom.

A few seconds later, the doorway creaked open.

"Hello, Iruka-sensei, we're here!" Haruno Sakura greeted cheerily, clearly suppressing frustration with a huge smile on her face. Behind her lurked Sai, beaming with an eerie intensity as well.

"They're scary," whispered Azami to Ryuu, who nodded.

Iruka coughed awkwardly into his hand, "Er, um, yes, class this is Haruno Sakura and her teammate Sai…um, Sai."

Sakura bowed politely in greeting, Sai kept smiling at nothing and making the students uncomfortable.

Iruka then turned to his former pupil and her teammate, "Well, why don't you introduce yourselves?"

Sakura smiled again, "My name's Haruno Sakura, and I'm a medical kunoichi."

"My name is Sai. I'm a teammate of the Hag."

Several snickers resounded throughout the audience. Sakura's smile showed too many teeth.

Iruka, sensing the tension between the two, clasped his hands together and delicately switched the subject, "I thought it would be nice if you two served as examples while we learn about teamwork?"

Sakura nodded, "Of course. What would you like us to do?"

Iruka paused, before an uneasy smile lit his face, "Do you know about the trust exercise where one teammate falls backwards and the other one catches them?"

Sakura's smile slipped slightly, "…yes."

Iruka turned to see confirmation from Sai. The man just continued to smile, and Iruka nervously took that as understanding. "Would you mind demonstrating for the class?"

Clearly uncomfortable, Sakura stood in front of Sai, her back facing him. Slowly, almost painfully slow, she crossed her arms over her chest and shut her eyes.

Iruka faced his students, "Now class, what Sakura and Sai are doing is showing that they trust the other completely. Sakura knows that she is supposed to fall, and Sai is going to be prepared to catch her. However, if there is no trust, this cannot be accomplished as Sakura will not go backwards." He paused for a moment, noticing that Sakura seemed oddly hesitant to begin the process, "On the field of battle, or even during a simple D rank mission, you have to be able to function together and assume that your teammates will cover you."

An awkward silence weighed on the crowd as Sakura chewed her lower lip and Sai stood there blankly.

"Sakura?" Iruka asked gently.

"Just give me a minute," Sakura said with another forced smile, green eyes darting over her shoulder in a paranoid fashion.

"Since Sakura and Sai have been teammates for a few months now, they know that they can trust each other with such a routine activity-" Iruka was resorting to passive-aggression now.

Sakura sighed, and looked at Sai, "Are you ready?" There was a warning in her eyes.

Sai shrugged.

"Okay, I'm going to do it then."

Another shrug.

"I'm really going to fall backwards now."

Yet another shrug.

The kunoichi allowed her eyelids to flutter close. Her mind was a whirlwind. She knew that she wasn't being reasonable about this. Sai had taken kunai and jutsu for her sake thousands of times, it was downright silly to assume that he wouldn't catch her. After all, Iruka-sensei was right. They _were _teammates, and teammates- no matter how socially bizarre- would always have your back. She trusted Sai completely in the battlefield, and she figured that she trusted Sai outside of it as well. With those reassuring thoughts in her mind, Sakura took a deep breath, and let her reservations go and-

**Thunk.**

The students all let out startled gasps as they watched a highly-regarded kunoichi collide harshly with the hard wooden floor. Iruka's jaw dropped straight down as he saw Sakura's back completely miss Sai's hardly open arms. The medical nin let out a painful yowl as her bum smashed on the ground.

"Sai! What the hell is your problem?!" She growled angrily as she glared up at him, nursing wounds and broken dignity.

Sai stared down at her, his head tilted slightly to the side and a confused frown on his face, "I thought I was trusting you not to fall?"


	9. Frown

**Nine: **Someone should have kept Sai away from the children's books, and Sakura away from the sharp objects.

A note on prompts: They are all being worked on, promise! It's just that they're all being worked on simultaneously (I'm weird how I write, sorry!) and they're probably all going to be posted at the same time (one of them's getting pretty long too…it's at six pages already O.o). So don't think that I've forgotten you! I haven't! I'm just a flakey writer!

* * *

"Damn it!" Swore a very worn out kunoichi as instant tea from a vending machine sloshed over the Styrofoam cup and scalded her fingers, causing her to drop the cup on top of her open-toed shoes. "That was my last ryo!" Her face was downright demonic as she used her above average strength to start shaking the machine.

Bad day.

"Haruno-senpai, your patient in the recovery wing is asking for you," squeaked a nervous genin apprentice, obviously quite apprehensive of addressing the less than pleased medic. "He wants to let you know that he feels he is receiving substandard care and wants to request a medic with a less distracting forehead." The poor little genin felt his heart skip a few beats, somehow knowing that repeating the prior statement was akin to signing a death warrant on his precious, potential medical career.

Sakura handled her frustration rather delicately as only one of her hands actually went through the metal plating of the tea machine.

The genin paled, about faced, and subsequently fled as fast as his little, prepubescent legs would carry him.

Sakura groaned, now her underlings were afraid of her. Bad day.

Bad week, actually. A few days ago, two squads of ANBU had entered the hospital, all in critical condition from a reconnaissance mission gone horribly wrong. Sai had been included in said group, and after the initial freak-out-panic-and-cry stage Sakura had for about thirty seconds, she buckled down and had helped her teammate back from the brink of death. Out of all the nin in the mission, only one had been beyond any help, and the rest were peacefully recuperating in the recovery wing for the next week.

Sakura would have never had a problem with this, if she hadn't been assigned as Sai's bedside attendant. He was her teammate, and she was relieved that he had come away from the mission unscathed, but he was a very, _very _irritating patient. The past three days had been hell, elegantly put, as Sakura balanced training, a series of complicated operations, and enduring Sai. She was tired, drained of chakra, and very-

"Sakura-senpai, the man in room 253 is requesting that you wear a surgical mask while treating him-" came another nervous apprentice, apparently sent by the same man to convey the message.

"Tell him he is going to be seeing my ugly mug for the next few _months _after the beating I give him!" She snapped, ripping out the fist that was still embedded in the machine.

-prone to emotional outbursts.

The girl's eyes widened, and she quickly decided to make a run for it.

Sakura sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as guilt overcame her at frightening two genin beyond repair within thirty seconds of each other. Absently, she picked the Styrofoam cup off of the floor and placed it in the fist-sized hole in the machine, patting it down gently before straightening her hair and marching towards the dreaded 253.

* * *

Sai stared at the picture book in his hands with a strange combination of intrigue and distaste. It depicted a smiling little rice ball, who was holding hands with some type of fish and learning how to count. This confused Sai, as he failed to see how a rice ball or a fish learning to count would be beneficial to their lives and it seemed like wasted energy.

Clad in a hospital gown and underneath sterilized sheets, Sai had been working his way through a large pile of children's books that one of the small ones (genin apprentices) had gathered for him (quickly snatched from the pediatrics wing) after instructions from Sakura to keep him entertained ("Get him to shut up or so help me-!"). So far Sai had read about colors, how to make healthy snacks, and the adventures of a small bunny rabbit named Ni-ni. Oddly enough, there had been an orange book snuck in there, and Sai was relieved to discover that children were learning about penises. After that finger painting episode a few weeks ago, he had come to the mild conclusion that they were unaware of their existence.

He flipped the page, and the rice ball and the fish had put aside their counting differences to become friends.

The door slammed open, and one agitated medic stood heaving angrily in the entrance.

"Hag," greeted Sai, flipping the page, "I see that you have not spoken to the short female yet-"

"I did, and I would appreciate it if you would stop pestering the genin." Sakura said in an even, threatening tone.

Sai didn't even look up from his book, "Perhaps you cannot hear because your forehead extends over your ears then."

He could hear the teeth grinding, "What?"

"I requested that a surgical mask be worn-"

Sai was cut off as a clipboard came sailing towards his head. He had enough time to use the friendly adventures of Ni-ni as a barricade and it went sailing onto the floor. After a pause, he looked up, still smiling, "I was unaware that having objects thrown at me was conductive to a healthy recovery."

Sakura could have sworn her eyes went red, which was odd, as there was no doujutsu in her family, "Driving your medic to the brink of insanity isn't conductive either." She said, and the anger deflated almost as quickly as it had spiked, as she soullessly reached down to pick up the clipboard that had Sai's medical charts. She walked over to the diagnostics machines and idly wrote down the numbers, flipping through the sheets with a numb, haggard sort of expression that belonged only to the deeply defeated and sleep depraved.

Sai observed his teammate and current caretaker with something bordering unease. Her posture, normally straight and flaunting her never developed chest, was slouched over and her eyes were even less attractive with dark circles under them. He noticed that her hands were scalded slightly over the palms, a sign of over using chakra, and that her hair was shiny from grease, indicating that she had not gone home the night before. This did not sit well with the artist shinobi for some reason, the forefront of which was probably that it was even harder to look at her now.

So Sai decided to do what Sai did best when fixing a problem.

He made it much worse.

"You must turn it upside down," he said matter-of-factly.

Sakura eyed the heart monitor with confusion. Why would she turn that upside down? "Excuse me?" she muttered.

"In order for it to work, you must turn it upside down."

Sakura groaned, "Sai, I don't know what you're talking about, the machine won't function properly if it's upside-" turning to face him she felt her mouth twist even more downwards. "Sai, what is that?"

Sai was holding open a page from the happy times of Ni-ni that showed the adorable rabbit smiling with creased eyes, bearing an uncomfortable and downright creepy resemblance to Sai's current expression. "Frowns must be turned upside down."

She exhaled, "You've got to be kidding me." A pause, "So you were the one who took the books from the pediatrics-"

Sensing danger, Sai immediately cut her off and began to recite the page's message from memory, "Turning a frown upside down will make the whole day turn around."

Her eyes widened and all she could do was stare at him in bewilderment.

Sai stretched his smile wider, obviously waiting for Sakura to do the same.

Levelly, "I'm reducing your pain medication."

With that, Sakura started to turn out of the room, clipboard securely under her arm. Sai's voice carried out behind her.

"When the day is full of gloom, laughter will brighten up the room."

Sakura shook her head, shutting the door behind her and walking quickly down the hallway. As soon as she was certain that she was out of hearing range, the grin that she had been fighting down during the exchange emerged and she let out a stifled giggle.

"What a dork." It seemed the only word fitting, and she continued to smother her giggles behind her hand as she made her way to the records office to file Sai's charts.

She walked by the two genin from earlier, who were cowering behind the administration desk pretending to look preoccupied with fixing a stapler. At seeing their terror-stricken expressions, her giggle escalated slightly into rest deprived chuckles. The boy and girl eyed each other fearfully.

"Um, senpai?" The boy ventured carefully. "Are you alright?"

Sakura's grin morphed into an actual smile, "I'm fine, just turning my frown upside down." She echoed as she strode passed them and towards the filing room.

"Should we call someone from psychiatrics?" whispered the girl to her colleague.

"That wouldn't be fair to them," reasoned the boy after a long hesitation.


	10. Flame

**AN: **Hi everyone : ), long time no see! (Starts backing up slowly). I apologize for the delay in updates, I've had crazy writer's block for this story. In fact this oneshot was written for my Sai x Sakura 100 situations challenge on Livejournal, but I decided to include it in this collection too since it fits as a friendship piece. I hope you enjoy it, and there's some references to porn so if that makes you uncomfortable I suggest skipping this chapter : ) Thank you for reading!

**Flame**

The porn was on fire.

Sakura tried to control her breathing as she watched the flames spread over the orange little novel, crackling and hissing as the pages curled. The cover was charred black, and the pictures were revealed on the pages- horrible, grotesque visions of human anatomy as the fire burned away naughty bits and not-so-naughty bits.

"Sai!" She cried, the only rational thought hitting her like a sledgehammer to an egg, "Save the porn!"

Sai turned to stare at her quizzically, before turning towards the spot where an ill-aimed fire jutsu, courtesy of one Haruno Sakura, was currently eating away at a book Kakashi had left on the grass while he sparred against Yamato. Following his teammate's orders without complaint, Sai's fingers flew together.

"No Sai! You'll waterlog it-"

But it was too late as torrents of water from an excessively powerful suiton jutsu poured over the small flames, drowning them away.

Sakura's eyes narrowed as her leg muscles flexed, fingers curling as she sprinted over towards the ruined erotica. Her booted feet skidded to a stop in front of the destroyed item, as she crouched down and handled the remnants of the porn like she handled a transplanted kidney.

"I'm doomed," she whispered, clearly distraught as she frantically tried to course chakra into the burned, then soaked pages, desperately willing the fibers of the paper to rearrange. Her face fell when her endeavors failed to produce, "I'm doomed!"

Sai watched the spectacle with close observation, his head tilting towards the side slightly as he knelt beside the kunoichi, "Did the book contain one of Kakashi-san's summons?" He asked, curious as to what made the novel so important.

"…you could say that," mumbled Sakura under her breath, beginning to realize that all the nin's chakra, and all the nin's skill, wouldn't cause the porn's pages to fill.

"Kakashi-san-," addressed Sai.

"I know," she groaned in defeat, "He's going to kill me!"

There was a polite clearing of the throat from behind Sakura and her hands stilled, recognizing the sound and its maker. Slowly, as if she were about to face a human-eating tiger, she pivoted from her crouched position and faced her former teacher.

"Oh, hello Kakashi-sensei," she greeted cheerfully, a hand rubbing the back of her neck, "I didn't realize that you and Yamato-senpai would be done so early-"

"Hello Sakura," he said with the same sort of cheerfulness, clearly smiling beneath the mask, "I just walking by and couldn't help but overhear you declaring that I was going to kill you," the smile stretched, "I was naturally curious as to what the reason could be."

Sakura bit her lower lip, "It's not what it looks like!"

The smile remained eerily in place, "To me it looks like nothing, so are you implying the opposite?"

"I think she was conveying that it didn't look as if she had set your summoning book on fire with a katon jutsu," Sai supplied helpfully from his seat next to Sakura.

The smile on Kakashi's face vanished, and Sakura's fingers itched to clamp themselves around Sai's obnoxiously ill-timed, earnest throat. Especially when her former sensei looked over Sakura to see what she was desperately trying to hide.

Kakashi stared down at the soggy, charred, barely recognizable copy of Icha Icha Advance Tactics: Super Special Well Rounded Edition, and the two teammates studied his face intensely. His movements were grave as he kneeled down, fingers morosely stretching for the novel. As soon as his fingertips touched it, the page crumbled even further, curves in all the right places scattering into the air never to be seen again. Sakura strained to hear it, but there was a definite hitch to her former mentor's breathing.

"Sensei, I, it was an accident-" Sakura struggled to apologize.

There was no response but the struggling breathing and a low mumble of "…limited edition…".

She shifted in that awkward sort of way most younger people did when confronted with their elders and superiors completely losing it.

"I'll, um get you a new one-" she tried again.

Kakashi shook his head slowly, still staring at the ruined erotica, and his voice was the voice of a man with nothing left in the world, "No, no Sakura. Even if you were of legal age and maturity-" Sakura frowned a bit at the barb, "-it was a special release. Only two copies were ever published."

Sai blinked, "That seems inefficient."

Kakashi just stared at him, long and hard. Sai decided to smile back.

Sakura pursed her lips, "Well, who has the other copy?"

A sad shrug of the shoulders.

"I'm really sorry, sensei," Sakura said earnestly, staring at her feet.

Kakashi's lone, desolate eye turned upon his only female student. Seeing her absolutely dejected stance, he sighed, jamming his hands into his pockets.

"It's alright, Sakura, it wasn't-" a slight crack of the voice, "-irreplaceable, even though it was a special edition that can never, ever be replicated."

That made her feel better. Sort of.

Kakashi looked skyward, "I'm just going to miss the stories…and the illustrations…the way the young temptress Kiyoko would lay on her back, trembling thighs spread to-"

Sakura flushed beet red and debated socking her former instructor straight into next week for saying such things in front of a lady. Even if she had a dog-eared copy of the prequel at home on her bookshelf.

As Kakashi continued to grieve for his losses by relating the entire plot to his subordinates in public during broad daylight, Sai's features took on a fascinated look as he opened up a sketch book and took out a well of ink.

"-and then, as she tossed her head back-"

"-Kakashi-san, did she toss her head back to the left or to the right?"

"To the left. She felt the unending devotion-"

"-was the unending devotion a penis?"

"I really like to think of it as more of an abstract metaphor," Kakashi said contemplatively, appreciating Sai's attentive questions, as it suggested that he too understood the devastating loss that was Icha Icha Advance Tactics: Super Special Well Rounded Edition.

Sai nodded, his brush working furiously against the parchment.

Sakura, who had been until that moment attempting to grow thick skin over her eardrums, noticed that Sai seemed rather focused on Kakashi's too detailed for anyone under the legal age retelling of the story.

"Sai?" She asked.

He didn't look up, "Yes, Hag?"

"What are you drawing?"

He didn't answer, so Sakura found her curiosity winning out as she peered over his shoulder. To say her jaw dropped would be an understatement, it clearly dislocated.

"Sai!" She hissed, "You pervert!"

Kakashi's rant stilled, as he heard Sakura yelling 'Pervert!' and it wasn't directed at him for once.

Sai resorted to the default smile he made when not comprehending something, "I don't understand."

"You're drawing…you're drawing…uh!" Sakura said in disgust, smacking him on the back of the head. She was horrified, appalled, terrified…and maybe just a little turned on as her eyes refused to leave the sketches like metal to a magnet.

Their elder and superior's interest peaked, he too leaned over the sketchbook to get a better look.

And promptly snatched it away. One could almost see the hearts forming in his eyes.

"It's an exact replica!" He said in a revered hush, turning towards Sai with awe.

Sai smiled, "My books inform me that I should do my best to cheer up acquaintances that are upset."

"This is a talent that I doubt even the sharingan could replicate," Kakashi said seriously, turning towards the artist nin, "Could you do it again?"

Sai nodded, "Of course. My studies on human emotions frequently led me to reading many volumes of Icha Icha."

Kakashi, feared copy ninja and elite jounin, looked like a kid in a candy store. Almost immediately he began to describe the next scene, Sai attentively painting the imagery.

Sakura stared at the spectacle with an abject sort of horror, knowing that by destroying Kakashi-sensei's book she had inadvertently introduced Sai into the porn industry.


	11. Fickle

**AN: **Yeesh, this is long overdue. My apologies for the wait. This gets pretty crackish XD

**Fickle **

The bowl flew against the wall, the plastic bouncing right off as noodles and broth flew all over it, giving the eggshell white a nice new puke shaded coloring.

It then landed, the sound echoing throughout the ramen stand as several heads turned to look at the boy, mouths agape.

Sai's arm lowered to rest comfortably by his side, and with careful precision, he turned on his stool, faced Sakura, and said, "I am very upset," with a rather large smile.

And with the same amount of measured movement, he pushed himself out of his seat, paid for the thrown meal, and left without another word.

Sakura could do nothing but blink, eyes trained on the empty chair. To her side, she heard a slight long-suffering sigh from Yamato while Naruto continued to slurp noodles, a muffled "Anyone going to eat that?" being uttered between bites.

---

Despite the 'little noodle tantrum', as Sakura had coined it in her head, the training session later that day between the remaining members of Team Kakashi had been going perfectly normal.

Perfectly normal until Sai decided to discard his shirt, that is.

Yamato, who had been sparring with taijutsu against him while Naruto worked on chakra refining exercises and Sakura developed a new genjutsu, had the misfortune of baring witness to this.

Sai froze his kick a centimeter from Yamato's face, making sure he had Yamato's complete attention before speaking.

"I have to discard my clothing now, senpai. This exercise is causing my very masculine physique to overheat."

Yamato's large eyes grew larger, "Um, I suppose it's fine to take a quick break," he said in a very measured voice, taking a step back from the bottom of Sai's sandal.

Sai smiled, "Thank you senpai," he said cordially, a hand flawlessly tugging down his zipper.

Somewhere there was the flutter of doves' wings as Sai tossed off his shirt, a ray of sunlight peeking out of the clouds.

Yamato's right eyebrow rose.

The discarded shirt wafted like a feather on the wind, gracefully descending onto Sakura's head.

Sakura, who had been maintaining a very fragile balance of concentration need for her new genjutsu as this happened, therefore panicked when her vision suddenly went black, thinking she had miscalculated and rendered her ocular senses blind.

"Kai," she said her fingers flying into the release hand sign.

Still darkness.

"Kai!"

A bead of sweat trickled down her forehead, "KAI!"

Naruto looked up from his meditation to stare at his female teammate in confusion, "Sakura-chan, what are you doing?"

"Naruto! I need you to disrupt my chakra flow, my genjutsu backfired-" Sakura said, her voice even despite her rising panic.

"Sakura-chan-"

"Hurry!"

"Sakura-chan, there's a shirt on your head," he said flatly, blinking owlishly as Sakura's hands quickly clawed to the top of her head.

"Oh, right," she smiled, "I knew that."

"…of course, Sakura-chan," Naruto said, quickly making himself preoccupied with his absolutely fascinating meditation.

Sakura took a deep breath, feeling incredibly stupid as she realized that she hadn't fried her retinas and that it was just Sai's shirt on her head-

She blinked.

Sai's. Shirt. On. Her. Head.

Confused, she looked across the training field where Sai and Yamato had been sparring.

The sight that greeted her was…confusing.

While the pair had been previously engaged in an intense taijutsu match, they had now ceased fighting in order for Yamato to scratch his head and for Sai to, well, pose.

And that's all he appeared to be doing. The pale boy was constantly flexing his well-toned arms, bending over in a way that highlighted his abdominal muscles _just so_, and an intense yet pouty look on his face made him reminiscent of the men on those trashy romance novels Ino was so fond of.

"Ah, Hag, I noticed that you've taken an interest in my body while I participate in a grueling spar," Sai said cheerfully, somehow managing to wave while showcasing a bicep.

"Sai…what are you doing?" Sakura asked, looking at his face _and only at his face._

"I am demonstrating my male prowess," he said with a smile, "I hope you notice that my physique is far more attractive than Yamato-senpai's."

Yamato frowned, feeling rather insulted. Not that he wanted Sakura staring at his bare chest, but he still felt the sting of his precious masculinity being threatened, "Sai, there's no reason-"

"I am much more emasculate and stronger than him," Sai continued, now moving on to lunges.

Sakura's jaw dropped, not exactly understanding what was going on, and feeling pity for poor Yamato-senpai as he flushed a deep red.

However, that pity was discarded when Yamato, having enough of Sai's insults, threw off his jounin vest, followed quickly by his shirt.

And that's when her eyes bugged.

Although she wasn't bothered by seeing her teammates bare-chested, she was the field medic for their squad after all, there was something about the circumstances that made her feel incredibly…uncomfortable.

"I just remembered…Tsunade wanted me for something," she muttered, quickly standing up and walking away from the training field while Sai and Yamato began doing push-ups.

Sai halted in order to watch her go, then gave up completely after she was out of eyesight.

"Ha!" Yamato cried victoriously as Sai stopped, before seeming to realize himself. He coughed awkwardly and pulled himself into a sitting position, "Achem, well, I'm going to go…check on Naruto then," he said slowly, excusing himself.

Sai's face assumed its blank mask, a thoughtful look appearing in his eyes as he bent over to pick up his discarded shirt.

---

Uchiha Sasuke knew when he was being followed.

It would be ridiculous if he didn't, honestly. His entire life had been rife with followers, from prepubescent girls to cutthroat Hunter nin, and upon his return to Konoha he had added ANBU probationary squads to the list.

But this type of following felt different.

For one, it wasn't very subtle.

"Hello Sasuke-kun!" Sai said cheerily from behind him.

Sasuke grunted but didn't stop walking, his face falling into a frown. It figured that upon his return the kunoichi and former teammate he had grown to respect had dropped the nickname only for a creepy, abdominal baring man to pick it up.

"I am keeping an eye on you," Sai continued.

Sasuke's annoyance was well kept under control. He had a low tolerance for his replacement on Team 7 to begin with, and ever since he had been literally dragged back to his home village the artist shinobi had done little to earn himself into Sasuke's limited good graces. He was very adept at ignoring things, however, and so far that is how he had managed to coexist with the incredibly annoying Root member.

His refined saunter and ignore technique was cut off when Sai suddenly appeared in front of him. He was smiling that intensely unnerving smile of his that made Sasuke almost miss Kabuto, and Sasuke gave a heavy sigh, preparing to reprimand the replacement-

And then he felt the slight sting of a black glove connecting with his cheek.

Sasuke's face remained blank and tight-lipped as Sai quickly placed his glove back on his left hand.

"I propose a duel for the Hag's honor. I would enjoy fighting you at sunset in front of a crowd of onlookers to bear witness to your defeat," Sai said in a well-rehearsed voice, bowing politely.

Sasuke's nose wrinkled as he looked at the bowing Sai, to the glove that had backhanded him, and back to Sai. Dark eyes met dark eyes in an intense stare down.

And Uchiha Sasuke didn't even blink as he gracefully sidestepped the bowing artist shinobi and continued on his way home, making a mental note to set more exploding notes under his welcome mat.

---

Ino smirked as she read her copy of Icha Icha Paradise: Kunoichi Battle of Glory! placed strategically behind a flimsy romance novel, loving the violent fight taking place between the hero and her nemesis. It had been a slow day at the Yamanaka Flower Shop, and because of that she had time to catch up on her reading after finishing her duties.

The ringing of the bell placed above the door alerted her to the presence of a customer, and Ino quickly set the book- and the erotica it was covering- page down on the counter top.

"Hello, welcome to Yamanaka Flowers," she said in a perfectly rehearsed tone, her smile widening when she saw who her visitor was, "Oh, Sai-kun! So nice to see you!"

Sai smiled politely, "Hello Gorgeous-san, I was wondering if I could ask you for a favor."

Ino grinned, more than happy to help out the handsome boy, "Of course, Sai-kun!"

Sai's smile stretched, nimble fingers pulling out a well-worn romance novel from the utility pack he used for his art supplies, "I have finished reading this and was wondering if I could borrow another one? I'm afraid it wasn't sufficient."

Ino, eying the novel that she had never read and therefore was amazed that Sai had actually wanted to borrow, cleared her throat, "Um, sure, Sai-kun. You really read the whole thing?"

Sai smiled, "Of course, Gorgeous-san."

Ino gracefully took the copy of Pirate's Tryst: A Sunset Love Triangle from Sai's outstretched hand and swapped it out for the book that was hiding her porn without Sai seeing the telltale orange cover, "Here Sai-kun, this one's one of my personal favorites," she said with a forced smile.

Sai gingerly accepted it, "Thank you. Your expression of trust and friendship is most appreciated," he said before exiting, his eyes quickly taking in the summary on the back.

Ino watched him go, shrugged, and went back to reading her smut.

---

Kakashi let out a rather unmanly giggle as he turned the page of his novel, the sun shining on his back as he waited outside of the Hokage Tower. He was supposed to be in a meeting with Tsunade about ten minutes ago, but out of politeness he decided to wait another ten minutes, that way he could appear when she was expecting him.

Despite being distracted by his book, Kakashi noticed when Sai approached him, his peripheral vision taking in the grave look on younger man's face.

"Hello Sai," he greeted between page turns.

"Kakashi-senpai," Sai returned with a nod, before doing a very, very strange thing.

Kakashi was used to rather…unorthodox methods of communication from the artist shinobi, but he wasn't expecting a gloved hand on his thigh as Sai sunk to his knees and lowered his head.

Then, giving out a well rehearsed speech, he began, "I know I am not a man of status, and surely you have your reservations about letting me, a man of no value, into your household, but-"

"Sai, while this is all very…interesting, I'm a little uncomfortable," Kakashi said bluntly, removing the hand that Sai had put on his leg. "Also, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about," he said with a smile that caused his eyes to close and the skin around them to crease.

"I'm here to ask for your consent," Sai said easily.

Kakashi rose an eyebrow, "Consent for what?"

Sai seemed puzzled that he was even asking, "Consent."

"Alright," the jounin said with a shrug, going back to reading.

Sai gave his rehearsed smile, "It means very much to me that the man who is Sakura's fatherly figure gives his consent."

Kakashi's eyes widened at that one, and he actually looked away from the page, "What?"

"It is important that I receive your consent?" It had meant to be a statement, but at Kakashi's gaze it morphed into a question.

"I'm not Sakura's father figure," Kakashi said, "That would be her father," he finished matter-of-factly. Despite the fact that no one in the village had actually met Mr. Haruno, giving the impression that one was just supposed to assume his existence.

"I see."

"Besides," continued Kakashi in a calm voice, "I'm not old enough. I'm only twenty fi-"

Sai gave him a reproachful look.

"Twenty seven?"

The look stayed.

"Twenty eight?"

Not a facial muscle twitched.

"Twenty…nine."

Sai's face remained stoic.

Kakashi sighed, admitting defeat, "Thirty."

"My books inform me that it is wrong to lie, Kakashi-senpai," Sai advised.

"I have to go," Kakashi said quickly, "Important Hokage meetings and all that."

And with that, the jounin vanished in a swirl of leaves.

---

Sakura found herself shaking off the utterly bizarre behavior of Sai as she walked into her office at the hospital for her break. Well, perhaps it wasn't so much shaking off as it was repressing it to the back of her head until she could figure out just what the hell was going through _his _head.

People like Sai didn't throw food and tantrums when they were upset. People like Naruto threw food (though she had to admit, it would be unlikely in this case, since the food in question was ramen). People like Sai filed it away, repressed it, and let it leak out in a more controlled fashion.

And people like Sai didn't pose and flex while they worked out. That was more up Gai and Lee's alley.

Something was off about her teammate, and Sakura resolved to figure out what.

As if on cue, there was a polite knocking on her office door that Sakura had long associated with her artistically inclined teammate.

"Come on in," she said, there was a guarded edge to her tone, however, expecting something insane and dramatic if Sai's earlier actions today were any indication.

"Hello Hag," he greeted politely, before unhooking his tanto from its holster on his back, "I would like you to unsheathe my sword."

She blinked, "What?"

"It is important that you take my sword from its sheathe with your hands," he said calmly, the small blade in his outstretched hand.

Sakura, very confused, took Sai's tanto and pulled it out of its sheathe, the schwunk noise the motion made the only sound in the room.

"…was that an enjoyable experience for you?" He asked after a few moments.

"Um…sure Sai," she said guardedly, still wondering what was going on as she dumbly sheathed the small blade.

"Are you sure? Your lady softness is supposed to writhe in ecstasy-"

Okay, this was getting incredibly weird, "Sai, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm attempting to strengthen our bond," he explained, "Gorgeous-san kindly lent me this manual on understanding girls-"

As soon as she saw the cover, depicting a long haired blond man tearing the bodice of a dainty woman in front of a setting sun, she groaned. Suddenly everything today made sense. The tantrum Sai threw at the ramen stand, the competitive shirtless exercising, the somewhat traumatized look Kakashi had when she had teasingly called him old man when he left Tsunade's office. Quickly, she grabbed the novel from Sai's hands.

"Sai, that's not a manual."

Sai blinked, "But Gorgeous-san told me that it explained relationships-"

"Ino-pig is a liar, and I'm pretty sure she only uses these to hide her porn," Sakura said bluntly. There was a pause as she watched Sai digest this.

"Then…"

"Yes, Sai?"

"…I should be reading pornography instead?"

She winced, "I'm sure you've had enough of that, given your phallic obsession," at seeing Sai's bewildered look as he tried to process things, she sighed, "Sai, if you want to strengthen your relationship with someone, it's probably best if you _don't _use guidelines."

He stared at her blankly.

"Um, okay. Let me see…" she struggled to find a way to describe this in a way that would be easy for Sai to understand, "You know when fighting enemy shinobi, the rules you learn at the academy only get you so far?"

Sai nodded.

"Well, strengthening a relationship is like that. You can be prepared for elemental ninjutsu, but sometimes the enemy has a poison technique that you don't know the antidote for," she said with a smile, "Only experience helps."

Sai put his hand to his chin thoughtfully, "Improvisation is a tool of the shinobi?" he ventured.

Sakura grinned, "Exactly. People are like that, you never know what they're going to do."

"I see," he said evenly, and the office room was quiet before he asked, almost shyly if the blush on his cheeks was any indication, "Hag, would you mind if I go with you to the library?"

Her grin stretched, "Of course not…Sai-kun."

His eyes widened at that, and the smile he gave back almost reached his eyes.

And as the pair went to enter to the library, Sakura faltered mid-step, mind finally realizing something.

Sai had asked her to unsheathe his sword! Cheeks flaming, she looked over and prayed to whatever deity was listening that he had _no idea _what the implications of that meant, and the two wore matching blushes when they sat at their usual spot.


End file.
